About me huh?......I can swim up waterfalls with unparalleled speed. I have the uncanny ability to detect alien invaders masquerading as abstract sculpture. I once sang a rendition of "No woman, No Cry" that brought a tear to the eye of the Pope and elicited a rousing burst of applause from several cardinals. I can hurl Swedish meatballs with practiced ease, and marksman's accuracy. I can create small rifts in space with my hand allowing me to travel short distances instantaneously. I fight against evil but for the wrong reasons. I do a better Tom Jones impression than Tom Jones himself. I refuse to allow myself any more friends name Steve. My one true fear is large tropical fruit.

On Thursdays before work I bake and distribute free onion bread to orphan children. I have often been witnessed inexplicably shaking my fist in anger and mouthing xenophobic epitaphs at abstract works of art. Each day I have no less than 3, but no more than 7 epic karate adventures in my mind. No less than 3 of these daily adventures result in my imagined death. My hair is neatly coiffured and is the color of a cat that is dog colored. Oak leaves taste like steak to my unsophisticated palette. I change colors when wet or exposed to a concentrated neutrino burst. I refer to myself only in the third person when captured by my enemies.

I have 13 friends named Steve who have the word Funky in their nicknames. I have a friend I call Big Frank that prefers to be called Sizable Francis. In my hands a mock turtleneck becomes a deadly weapon. Amongst coyotes I am revered as an almost legendary champion. When frightened I give off a subtle pineapple scent. I always bet on black.